Hilary Briss/Chinnery/Mickey/Les McQueen/Val/David/Iris/Martin Lee/Mama Laz/PC Bobby Woodward/Lance/Mick Macnamara/Tony/Brian/Alvin Steele/Phill/Andrew Ward/Al/Mrs Beasley/Lotte Lipp/Doc/Murray/Lee
Hilary Briss
Hilary is Royston Vasey's resident butcherer. Sorry, butcher. He is very popular among the locals, and this is not down to his kind and gentle personality (due to the fact that he doesn't have a kind and gentle personality). No, his popularity is coupled with the villagers' liking for a particular product of Hilary's, namely, his "special stuff". Fresh, tasty, addictive and certainly not available in mainstream markets, the special stuff is, by most standards, immoral, and by all standards, illegal. But Hilary is not bothered by this fact. He is a businessman, and stays in control of his product. If that means sacrificing his own consumption of it, then so be it. Hilary just wants to make money for himself and Mrs Briss. Although it's probable that she would just prefer a handful of grass.
Best quote: "Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Dr Matthew Chinnery
Dr Chinnery is Royston Vasey's resident butcherer. Sorry, vet. His kindly manner and politeness to everyone seem to make up for the fact that he constantly (though unwillingly) seems to kill their pets. It is difficult to blame him though; the curse placed on his great grandfather Edmund Chinnery (also played by Mark) has affected his whole family's future in the veterinary business. He has tried to avoid it by aknowledging the curse and attempting to quit the business of treating animals, but, in his job in a local pub, three dreyman's horses died in the first week. He just can't avoid it. However, there is evidence that (fortunately), his curse only extends as far as animals. His beautiful job on Barbara seems to prove this. But his fondness and natural affinity towards animals always finds him, and brings him back to the surgery. Oh dear oh dear.
Best quote: "Hello Barbara. Don't you worry about a thing. Right, what am I doing?"
Mickey M Michaels
Probably Mark's best known character, Mickey could be described as the village idiot in Royston Vasey. He has been described as a "monkey man" by Cathy Carter Smith, but that's neither here nor there. Mickey's inability to find work no matter how hard he tries (and, bless him, he does try), means that he is forced to constantly repeat his restart course. However, Mickey's fondness for Pauline suggests that he doesn't mind this. His feelings are quite surprising considering the amount of insults he has received from Pauline. He gets along well enough with fellow job-seeker Ross, until, that is, Pauline insists that he aids her in the capture and subsequent hostage-holding of Ross. Mickey's other great passion involves fire engines, and the desire to become a fireman and drive one. Unfortunately, there may be a slight flaw in this plan, in that he can't actually drive.
Best quote: "Thanks. Did I win?"
Les McQueen
Sold-out veteran rocker Les McQueen is a former member of band Crème Brulée. His speciality is rhythm guitar, which he has played for many bands, not just Crème Brulée, for example, Racey's "Some girls do". On the demo, like. Because of his musical nature and attraction to the business (which he constantly denies, claiming that "it's a shit business"), he has a large amount of respect and admiration for others in the music biz. His house pays homage to groups such as Smokey and Paper Lace. Crème Brulée's own repetoire is quite a strong one, nearly signing to Pickwick in '76, and releasing their first single, "Telephone Tears" soon after. They did Eurovision you know, heats. Same year as Bucks Fizz won. Their most well known almost-hit, adored by band and fans alike, is probably "Voodoo Lady". But, sadly, Les's career is well and truly over. Not that he will ever admit it.
Best quote: "Heeeeeeey! It's fate is that! I play rhythm guitar!"
Val Denton
Val Denton is married to Harvey, and, like him, is obsessed with cleanliness and order, and everything has a place in the Denton household. Her vaginal douche, for example, is kept behind a tray. Though she adores her twin daughters, Chloe and Radclyffe, she often wishes Harvey had given her a son as well. This need to have another male in the house was brought on by nephew Benjamin's stay, and his subsequent return Chez Denton. To have Benjamin around, and to get to see more of his side of the family is the reason why Val is willing to help Harvey in his quest to keep Benjamin here as some kind of pet. One of Val's great passions is nude day which falls on the first Monday of every month, during which she will wander around butt naked in the lobby of her house, and often venture out onto the streets. However, she can't get the bus, as there's nowhere to put the change. Val likes to drink the water of life every day, and she prefers to wait until after six o'clock.
Best quote: "Or would you prefer tea?"
David Tattsyrup
David is the very unfortunate son of Tubbs and Edward. His London college education provided him with a brief escape from the local way of life, but, on his return to Royston Vasey, David was "talked to" by Edward, who convinced him it was a good idea to re-inhabit the shop, and to live locally. Edward's ultimate disgust at what his son had turned into was aided by the fact that David was the founder member of PQ construction company, specialising in the building of roads, particularly New ones. But his decision to become local once more saw him all but forgiven in his father's eyes. David is not gay.
Best quote: "About seven then?"
Iris Krell
Iris is the cleaner for Mrs Levenson. She takes her job fairly seriously, as husband Ron doesn't get much money from flogging roses in the middle of the A54. But they get by, even though it's a bare kind of existence. Iris's relationship with Ron is extremely stable, as her 10 children show (if she hadn't had that still-birth, she would have had enough for a football team). It's amazing how clean she manages to keep Mrs Levenson's house, if her own appartment is anything to go by. But there is always motivation for Iris in the guise of bottles of cooking sherry and various other forms of alcohol that are kept hidden at the back of Mrs Levenson's cupboard. What Iris doesn't realise is that Mrs L marks the bottles so she can see exactly how much is missing.
Best quote: "Them's nice panties, Mrs L".
Martin Lee
The first recorded victim of Edward and Tubbs. Martin Lee was ready to go on a hiking holiday with best friend Benjamin, and looking forward to it. But, disaster struck when he ventured into the local shop, and dared to proclaim that he was not, in fact, local. Deadly mistake. All he wanted to do was to browse in Tubbs and Edward's bloody shop, but he got quite a bit more than he bargained for, and Tubbs got a new pair of red boots.
Best quote: "Blah! I'm sorry if I've done anything to upset or offend either of you."
Mama Lazarou
Bobby Woodward
As the name and Scottish accent suggests, this character is ripped straight from "The Wicker Man", which is really quite amusing to say the least. He is the policeman who has been assigned to investigate the death of Martin Lee, and successfully traces his trail back to the local shop. Once again, deadly mistake. On asking Tubbs whether or not she has ever seen this boy (and showing a picture), Tubbs uses her common sense and denies ever seeing him, and she does it beautifully. So beautifully, in fact, that PC Woodward almost believes her. Almost, until the last minute, when, as he is about to leave the shop, Tubbs decides she'd better make absolutely sure that they are not under suspicion, and takes it upon herself to say, very loudly, "we didn't burn him". Edward's facial expression says it all, and the next bonfire in Royston Vasey is in honour of poor PC Woodward (sadly no longer with us).
Lance
Lance is a joke shop owner in Royston Vasey, as you can tell by the 3 pairs of plastic tits in the window and the jar of fart sweets on the counter. However, there are more to his practical jokes that meet the eye. His hot sweets contain potassium, he sells impotance drops and muscle relaxants to make people piss themselves. Some people don't find this funny, but to him, they ain't got no sense of humour. Perhaps the twisted nature of his jokes and his desire to cause pain to others comes from the tingling that is still in his amputated arm. 35 fucking years, and he'd swear it's still there some nights. This is a possible reason for his bad temper as well-don't go in his shop just to browse, or you'll be directed halfway down the Hog Row to the bloody library, alright?
Best quote: "Well...whoopee shit." Or, from the radio show, "I had a kid once."
Mick Macnamara
Mick works in Royston Vasey's second finest showcaves, the caves known as "Stump Hole Cavern", which, incidentally, takes its name from the crippled prostitute that used to ply her trade there in the 17th century. Mick doesn't enjoy his work, but he keeps going. He's not fond of the darkness in the caves. He sleeps with the lights on now, because it's in the darkness he sees the boy's face, eyes protruding, tongue out, black. Mick has a good many famous contacts, including the Chuckle Brothers, Tom Baker and Michael Beurke. He is fascinated by the shapes that the rocks in the caves form, and sometimes, he stands there for hours, just looking at them. Although not particularly fond of his work, he does stand up for and is proud of Stump Hole Caverns, and feels antagonistic towards its main rival, Red Scar caverns, located some half a mile away to the west. He feels that they are a trifle flashy for his taste.
Best quote: "I do think it's worth pointing out that Red Scar were served with a council notice ordering them to replace 115 yards of faulty wiring. Put it this way; I wouldn't like to get caught down there in a thunderstorm, and no amopunt of trilobytes in perspex or stegasaurus shaped pencil tops is going to change that."
Tony
Tony is the boyfriend of Charlie and Stella's daughter, Julie. He gets on well with her, and knows that she wears glasses. However, it seems that he gets on a little too well with Stella as well, who apparently has shown him some things, the same things that Charlie's seen and that made him sick. Tony has a strong dislike for Trivial Pursuit.
Best quote: "I think she's lovely".
Brian Morgan
Brian works with Geoff Tipps and Mike Harris at Royston Vasey Plastic Injection Mouldings limited. Both Brian and Mike have been the victim of Geoff's psychopathic nature and gun-yielding, Brian because he ended up with Geoff's ex-fiancée, Katie. Despite this small setback, the three of them remain the best of friends, and have hepled each other through many tough times. An example that springs to mind is the time when they were lost in the woods on the way to the Plastics of the Millenium convention (with cakes at the beginning). Brian sustained an injury whils crossing a river, and was helped by Geoff, who found him a good splint. In return, he aided Geoff in the attempted burial of Mike, whom they took to be dead, because wolves did it.
Best quote: "See, I would've said para-CET-amol".
Alvin Steele
Alvin runs Royston Vasey's Windermere Guest House with his wife Sunny. His duties include serving the breakfast, going to the shops and turning the emersion on. Even though Alvin is quite disturbed by Sunny's insistence that every few months they "have a swingin' time", he's not one to upset her, and plays along with it best he can. He usually finds escape in the kitchen, where he busies himself serving crisps. Alvin's main passion is amateur, one-man theatre, but he and Sunny rarely go to those kind of functions.
Best quote: "Jump leads for one. Can do."
Phill Proctor
Phill works in Legz Akimbo Theatre Company, along with Ollie Plimsoles and Dave Parkes. Probably the most professional of the lot, he was the first to be "plucked for stardom", and to become a "proper actor". However, this may have less to do with talent and more to do with the fact that he bums the director. Phill often plays the lead roles in LATC's plays, his repertoire including "Everybody Out" and "No Home For Johnny". Although he finds Ollie extremely irritating, he and Dave stick together to get through the difficult times. Which is why, when Phill leaves LATC, so does Dave. Phill's other talents apart from acting include map-reading.
Best quote: "I'm happy with who I am and what I am, and if people don't like that, they can go kill themselves, like Mum did. Come on kids, get clapping."
Andrew Ward
Andrew is one of Jed Tinsell's unfortunate victims. Formerly a worker at the cash-and-carry, Andrew's antics with Farmer Tinsell's wife were the cause of his fate...to be the guardian of the Ten Acre Field, cunningly disguised by Farmer Tinsell as a thing of cloth and straw, or a scarecrow. Even attempts to get help from the Denton twins go unfounded, as Chloe and Radclyffe know exactly why he's been captured like this, and make no attempt to aid in his escape. Poor Grace Tinsell thinks he deserted her and ran away, but he's been there in the field all along...
Best quote="eh?"
Al
Al is Pop's son. His only son. Since brother Richie created tension in the family (during an incident involving Maverick bars), Al has become Pop's protegé. The father and son pair get along well. When Al was small, he used to sit down with his Pop and watch videos, ranging from "Watership Down" to "The Assmaster". Although single for 33 years, Al has finally found a girlfriend in the form of Patricia. However, due to her dislike of Kinder Eggs, it is doubtful whether or not this relationship continued beyond the preliminary stages. Al once made a trip to Royston Vasey's Charity Shop, but is unlikely to go back there as he nearly lost his jacket.
Best quote: "Who was the first person to have the innovation to sell Ginster's pasties in a newsagents? Pop!"
Mrs Beasley
Mrs Beasley is the unfortunate mother of little Karen Beasley, sadly no longer with us. Kind-hearted as she is, she didn't feel right in taking all of Karen's brand new clothes and toys back to the shop, so she did the decent thing and donated them to Royston Vasey's Charity Shop. However, on being told that the absence of a special mark from both her teddy and her bag could be a death-trap and could kill a kiddy made her regret ever entering the Charity Shop, as do most of its customers.
Best quote: "Give it to the spastics then!"
Lotte Lipp
The wife of Herr Lipp, but not in fuck, Lotte does not seem to have much respect for her husband. She has always been desperate for children of her own, but it seems that Herr Lipp was not up to the job. He suggests that she should take pleasure from boys as he does, but she doesn't see it that way. The Christmas Special was an important episode for Lotte, as we find out about her taste for human blood and her desire to turn all of the choir boys into vampires like herself. Although she has no evident desire for Herr Lipp, she does get jealous of his antics with other boys, and tries to prevent then by turning up at the most inopportune moments.
Best quote: "Ipswich, Reading, Wood Green..."
Doc
Doc doesn't know how to play Slippery Jack, Hoover, Eight Men Down or Go Johnny Go Go Go Go. He does, however, know Whist, Knock-out Whist, Rummy, Pontoon, and Hangman. But the fundamental knowledge of these games does not stand him in good stead when having a gambling session with Mike King and Mr Best. His inability to learn Go Johnny Go Go Go Go quickly enough leads to him becoming annoyed and insisting that they play hangman. Although there's still a large amount of uncertainty as to whether they're playing Canadian rules or Italian.
Best quote:"It was like this when we were kids, you used to put bets on bloody...buckaroo!"
Murray
Murray has a very important position in Royston Vasey, that of looking after Mayor Vaughn, which is something which he takes extremely seriously. He is the Mayor's chief advisor, and his chief advice is for him to stop swearing. It was Murray's idea to invite back Legz Akimbo Theatre Company to Royston Vasey, in order to distract the public's attention away from the current nosebleed epidemic. It's this decision that got him sacked.
Best quote: "I think they need a little...divertissement".
Lee
Lee is a one-off character from the Christmas Special. He is the husband of Stella's best friend Donna, although Stella evidently has a little more than friendly relationship with him. Lee and Charlie get along well, and they share the same interests (Lee doesn't go to line dancing just to watch the womens' tits jig about). Unfortuately, Lee comes to a sticky end at the hands of Donna and Solutions, as part of her revenge for Stella's affair. Death by your own razor is not a very dignified way to go. Stella's screams aren't very dignified either. As a pure figment of Charlie's imagination (and the stuff of his nightmares), there is doubt as to whether Lee exists at all. But Stella prefers to think that he does. Or at least, did.
Best quote: "I don't!"
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