Edward/Ollie/Geoff/Papa Laz/Mrs L/Samuel/Stella/Bernice/Benjamin/Ross/Christopher Frost/Mike King/Edgar Fish/C C Smith/Henry/Pam Doove/Patch/Matthew Parker/Richie/Vinnie/Mr Ingleby/Olive
Edward Tattsyrup
Edward Tattsyrup is the simultaneous husband and brother of Tubbs, and together, they own the local shop. They are xenophobic, egregiously terrifying and insistent that their shop, and, in fact, the whole village, remains "local". If any strangers come to their shop, they'd better beware...Edward and Tubbs have no time for them. In fact, they have nothing for them, as Edward consistently explains: "This is a local shop for local people. There's nothing for you here." If the strangers pay him no heed (and, this being LoG, they generally don't), they find themselves leaving the shop with a bit more than a precious thing and a 1950s sanitary towel on their hands; actually, it's likely that they won't leave at all. As Edward says, "Don't worry Tubbs, they won't get far!" It's not surprising he has these homicidal instincts-he was in a war, you know.
Oliver Plimsoles
Ollie Plimsoles is front man of Legz Akimbo Theatre Company, a highly renowned and respected amateur dramatics group. Ollie is the one that does all the work in LATC (according to him). He writes the plays, co-produces them and directs them. He and his fellow society members, Dave and Phill, were once joined by his ex-wife Linda, who, since leaving LATC has become a lesbian and run away with a female Geoff Capes, which Ollie is quite upset by. In fact, he thinks that it's quite evil. Because of this situation, a certain amount of insecurity is visible on Ollie's part. If you ever come across him, be sure not to mention big, fat, hairy lezzas, or you may get more than you bargained for. He's only small, but he can shout! Despite this, Ollie has not been prevented from writing many outstanding plays for himself to star in, including the highly recognised "Everybody Out" (a play about homosexuality aimed at 9-12 year olds), "White Chocolate" (a play about racism) and "Scumbelina" (a play about life in the Naaaaaarth.) Ollie is dedicated to his work, and truly belives that the education of children is important. The van has been decorated with the slogan, "Put yourself in a child", to make sure this is fully understood by the public.
Best quote: "Picture the scene, it's last Thursday afternoon, you come home, early, to find your wife, Linda, in bed with another man. Only you look again and you see it's not actually a man, it's a big fat lezza wearing my slippers, smoking my pipe...don't touch me you poof!"
Geoff Tipps
Geoff Tipps is a 40 year-old businessman who sells plastics. He spends a lot of time with his boss and good friend, Mike, and other colleague and friend, Brian. The only problem is that he hates them both. Geoff owns a gun, which Mike and Brian both know that he's got, as he exhibits it on numerous occassions in the psychopathic manner that is unique to his personality. He has a strange sense of humour, which often confuses new peers (he once pretended to shoot himself for a joke, and he bought Mike an electric hand-frying tube as an engagement present). As far as is observable, he is not particular about his women, although he does prefer them not to look about 100, or to in any way resemnble a moose. Despite time spent in the Territorial Army (which Geoff wishes he had never left, because he was good at that), he is not what you would describe as a team member. First and foremost, he works to please himself. He attempted to solve the problem of the fact that he almost killed Mike by burying him and pretending that wolves did it. His main motivation to arrive safely at the Plastics of the Millenium Seminar was ao as not to miss the cakes at the beginning. Unfortunately, he failed.
Best quote: "Wolves did it!" (although his most well-known quote is probably, "You know I've got this gun!")
Papa Lazarou
Papa Lazarou is the ring master of that most well known of travelling circuses, the "Pandemonium Carnival". He is, by nature, a peg-seller, and often goes into town to attempt this activity, and also to aid in his continual, never-ceasing quest to find "Dave". It is unclear who "Dave" actually is, but poor old Papa is so caught up with him that he often mistakes innocent bystanders for him. Another of Papa Laz's hobbies seems to be wife-collecting. For the mere cost of a ring, any woman can have the chance to join Papa and his crew in the carnival, and hold the new position of "my wife". If any readers are considering this position, it will work to your advantage if you invest time to learn just a few words of gobbeldygook. This is Papa Laz's native language, and he often converses with his wives in it. Autoom sprau kana tikpana san duor bu no sarasmee? Birdseyepotatowaffles? Maybeit'smaybeline?
Best quote: "Now I am George."
Judee Levenson
Mrs Levenson lives on Swanmills Estate, one of the most respectable areas in Royston Vasey, which reflects her respectable personality. Married to Eddy, who works long, hard hours in a carpet warehouse, Mrs Levenson can afford to take at least six or seven holidays a year. In fact, she doesn't know how she can survive without them. As a house-proud but busy woman, Mrs Levenson employs Iris to clean for her. However, there may be more to this relationship than just the simple employer-employee harmony. From time to time, Iris's maternal behaviourisms towards Mrs L are completely undiscernable (we just know that this is their true relationship from the last episode of series two).A stickler for fashion, Mrs L is never seen in public without her appearance looking perfect. Each blonde hair must be in place, and the make-up must cover every possible blemish. Her outfits also complement her appearance...Gucci shoes, Yaga suits, Chanel bags etc.
Best quote: "You should treat yourself from time to time." (Or, from the live show, "Will this pleasure never end?")
Samuel Chignell
Samuel is a councillor for Royston Vasey with a taste for something rather unusual-butcher Hilary Briss's "special stuff". No-one is sure what is actually contained in the special stuff, but everyone who's tried it (including Samuel), knows that it's good. Sam can often be found in close proximity to the afore-mentioned butcher, often because he's hungry. As one of his original clients, Hilary holds a large amount of respect for Samuel, and lets him into many secrets, including the organisation of the shipments of special stuff. The problem for Sam, like many of Hilary's clients, is that he is addicted. He continues to eat the meat, despite the nosebleed epidemic that poisons Royston Vasey. He only stops when he must...when he himself gets struck with the dreaded special stuff disease, and finds himself with blood on his hands (and face). In order to avoid legal action against him, he and fellow special stuff lover Maurice stick together, and attempt to dispose healthily of the deadly meat.
Best quote: "What's that caterpillar on your top lip? Your dad not taught you how to shave?"
Stella Hull
Stella Hull is married to Charlie Hull, and has one daughter, Julie, now at college. Stella's likes include gambling, Gypsy Kings, Trivial Pursuit and divorce, and her dislikes include line dancing, down't Swiss, Charlie and marriage in general. Her constant bickering with husband Charlie might make you wonder why the pair don't just get a divorce. But it's not quite as simple as that. The couple always appear to make up at the end of each argument, and there is some evidence that Stella actually enjoys Charlie's dissing. Or should that be, enjoys dissing Charlie? Either way, they still plod on together through married life. Stella is possibly helped through her difficult marriage by the various affairs which she unashamedly embarks upon, including sleeping with the boyfriends of both her daughter and best friend Donna.
Best quote: "Praaaaaaawn...toaaaaaaast."
Bernice Woodall
As Royston Vasey's resident vicar, Bernice is far from sympathetic. She is adament that disabled people are arrogant, that road protestors are dirty, and that marriage is a waste of time. Even at Christmas, her attitude doesn't change, and her church door is only ever kept open to the public by their insistence that she speak to them. However, she remains as nasty as ever by suggesting that "It's getting like bloody Jackanory in here." Bernice previously worked as a radio personality on local station of a village near Royston Vasey, Spent FM. However, she was fired after a large lady that she interviewed threw herself off of a building, taking her life and the lives of the eight people she landed on. However, the Christmas Special gives us insight as to why Bernice's nature is as hardened as it is...her mother was kidnapped by none other than Papa Lazarou when she was only eight. She tries her best, bless her.
Best quote: "I will not be silenced for the sake of a beached whale in a dress!"
Benjamin Denton
Benjamin is the unfortunate nephew of cleanliness-obsessed toad-fanciers Harvey and Val Denton. He is forced to endure a disasterous stay at their home which was only supposed to be for one night, which is something that no graduate from London should have to be put through. However, kind and comlying as Benjamin is, he puts up with the house rules to a certain extent, and even babysits for his cousins, Chloe and Radclyffe (well, with certain avenues of pleasure forbidden by Harvey, what else is there to do in Royston Vasey?). However, this babysitting adventure turns into a fatal disaster, during which a couple of Harvey's prize toads (Sonny and Cher, no less) meet a sticky end, through no fault of Benjamin's. With his friend Martin Lee "dealt with" by Edward and Tubbs right at the beginning of their trip (which Benjamin is unaware of), it seems natural that this stay is going to end in disaster. And indeed it does. All of Benjamin's clever and cunning attempts to escape from "this shit-hole" are somehow thwarted by Harvey and his viscious plan to keep him there as some kind of pet.
Best quote: "You want me to piss into a glass?"
Ross Gaines
Although not true dole scum, Ross is the only vaguely normal person who must put up with Pauline's egregiousness and Mickey's stupidity on a day-to-day basis while sitting his restart course. As an employee of the social security, Ross is, in fact, working undercover. As Mickey points out, "You don't have to come here if you work, Ross!". Constantly victimised by Pauline, Ross seems to be continually beaten-up or yelled at, making his hatred and disgust for his restart officer fairly clear and justified. However, his sympathy for Mickey causes him to treat the monkey-man with kindness, encouraging him in his quest to become a fireman. Ross himself attempts to exert his power over Pauline. This only results in him becoming the victim of a kidnapping, in which he is visciously and cold-heartedly sellotaped to a chair for three days. However, Ross's intelligence and cunning helps him escape while Pauline finally decides to get some food, despite being watched like a hawk by Mickey.
Best quote: "Beg me."
Christopher Frost
Employed by Binns, or Hammonds as it is now known, Superstore, Christopher Frost is a store detective, a very good one. He is helped in his quest to catch criminals, no matter their age, sex or physical state ("be very wary of weelchairs"), by his arrogance, which removes the right for friends, or the likelihood of parental pride. However, Christopher doesn't mind this, because he guarantees you, he can spot them [criminals] a mile away. His proudest moments have come from saving his employers over �300 in potential losses. Chalk it up. However, despite all the warnings, despite his respectable position, and despite the fact that the sign says shoplifters will be prosecuted, Mr Frost pays them no heed. His regular attempts to steal cutlery are often thwarted by his thoughtlessness. Shit.
Best quote: "Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness? I will tell you, it is thus, thus it has always been, and ever thus should it have ever been...thus."
Mike King
Mike is a hospital radio personality who loves to play card games, especially unusual ones with complex rules, such as Hoover, Eight Men Down, and, a favourite of his, "Go, Johnny, Go Go Go Go". In fact, he likes card games so much that he's not above bunking his work with the station for supposed "charity events" in order to have a bit of a gamble. Despite his powerful position (yeah right), Mike does nothing to make past-it rockers (such as Crème Brulée's Les McQueen) feel welcome. In general, he does the opposite and holds them in contempt.
Best quote: "That's the whole point!" (Particularly in the live show)
Dr Edgar Fish
A resident doctor at St Mary of Bethlehem Hospital in Royston Vasey, Edgar Fish isn't the kind of person you would want informing you that your husband/wife/best friend/cat's just died. He would try and link it to a film, and often, he does, quite successfully. The death scenes in "Evita" and "Shadowlands" are amongst his favourite, and he also holds a large amount of respect for "Terms of Endearment" and "Midnight Express". His inability to separate his work from his hobbies have landed him in a certain amount of trouble, usually in reactions from the public. His psychopathic tendancy to constantly refer everything in life to some sort of film makes him seem unreal and almost inhuman, but his big, bearded grin is so innocent he can almost be let off for that!
Best quote: "It's coming on the Beeb in the autumn."
Cathy Carter-Smith
Cathy Carter-Smith is the tubby little tit-witch who replaced Pauline, after Ross made her redundant. Although more modern than Pauline (she finds it hard to believe that Pauline's job-seekers have never heard of computers because of their excessive use of pens), she is naturally compared to her, often negatively (as Mickey points out, "Pauline, she's worse than you"). However, her toughness and utmost contempt for absolutely everybody (including Pauline herself), seem to stand her in good stead, particularly when a bitchy-fight between the two middle-aged women is very nearly sparked off, but prevented by Pauline's realisation that C C Smith is, in fact, tougher than her. Yet, her disgust for Pauline must be taken ssomewhat with a pinch of salt if the live show is anything to go by (as might her distaste for pens?)
Best quote: (From the live show), "Use your pens on me!"
Henry Portrait
Henry and his best friend Ally are in some ways similar to Edgar Fish in that they are all three obsessed with films. However, unlike Dr Fish, Henry and Ally rate their films in terms of the number of killings, and how graphic they are. They can often be found in the video store, having un-intellectual discussions about the merits of individual videos, in particular, "Seven", "Richard III" (pronounced as written), "Species" and "Alien". Sometimes, they venture into the cinema, but usually while away the boring parts by throwing popcorn at some slaphead.
Best quote: "Yeah, but it's the way he does 'em. He kills one by gluttony, one by greedy, sexy, ugly, sleepy, dopey and bashful. Weren't that gud."
Pamela Doove
Pamela Doove is an actress, but she's not a very good one. Her only trip to Royston Vasey was to audition for a Greenwood's Orange Juice commercial. Unfortunately, due to Pam's inability to articulate the words clearly enough, she failed the audition. We find out that she doesn't get much work as an actress, and we're not surprised. We are surprised at how egregious her acting talent is, however, particularly because of her seeming attention to detail, asking unimpressed director Jed Hunter if he wants movements within it. As the line is ony, "Excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?" It seems unecessary. As is Pam's application.
Best quote: "Excude beev, haf any bady gat any baddle orange doov?" Or, from the live show, "It's very hard."
Patch Lafeyette
Patch is the drummer of Royston Vasey's resident rock band, Crème Brulée. Although not a prominent member of the band, we do learn from front-man Tony Cluedo that he has started writing again. So there you go.
Matthew Parker
Although a one-off character from the Christmas Special, choir boy (not to be confused with queer boy) Matthew Parker is essential for helping to portray the background of Herr Lipp, one of LoG's best-loved characters. Matthew was barely nineteen when he was exposed to Herr Lipp, and his whole future became disrupted. Convinced that Herr Lipp was a blood-sucking vampire on a mission to kill him, sweet and innocent little Matthew turns into a man with a mission. He is frightened into fashioning a cross out of a mouthbrush and a cotton-bud, and eating garlic tablets in order to repel Herr Lipp. At one point, the pressure becomes so intense that Matthew is unable to stand it any longer, and goes on a mad rampage through the house, grabbing various objects, searching furiously through draws to find a wooden stake, a hammer and a makeshift mirror. One of the best scenes in this story for female fans is Herr Lipp's spying scene, in which Matthew undresses, unaware of his stalker. It's "quite good, so..."
Best quote="I was gonna stick this into you!"
Richie
Richie is one of Pop's sons. Sorry, was one of Pop's sons. He has been disowned because of a small mishap involving the booth and nine Maverick bars. Despite Pop's original dream that each of his sons would have their own booth, Richie in general doesn't appear all that motivated. It's not surprising, seeing as his father's main concern in life is whether or not the Mars drinks are selling. He does, however, appreciate the gifts of porn magazines that Pop offers him every now and then, amusingly contrasted against his brother Al's distaste.
Best quote: (From the live show) "Fuck you Pop!"
Vinnie
Vinnie works in Royston Vasey's charity shop. But she doesn't work Thursdays, dear, no, that's the day that That Merrill works. She seems to have unhealthy obsession with bags, but only if they have a special mark. She can't take them unless they have a special mark. They could be a death trap, a kiddy could get killed if there's an absence of a special mark, dear. She works with Reenie, and she never means to be rude to her, dear, but sometimes, she just can't help it. Maybe it's the fact that both of them are as deaf as a post and can never communicate properly. Every item that Vinnie sells is meticulously put in the book, along with the price, and which bag that the customer has used. This is very important, and is often disrupted by That Merrill, dear.
Best quote: "It's a teddy is it?"
Reg Ingleby
Mr Ingleby runs a small business, in fact, he's a small shop keeper. His shop has to be fairly small, considering that he himself is no bigger than a thumbnail! Despite his size, Mr Ingleby claims that he's no different from any other shopkeeper in the town, and that he doesn't want any special treatment. His size actually helps him in some ways. He can do things that nobody else can do, for example, stand on top of your wedding cake. He longs to find romance and hear the patter of tiny feet. Maybe one day, he could even have children. He is so lonely that he applies to Close Encounters Dating Agency, where he is paired with none other than Barabara, Spent's only cab driver. In a woman's arms at last! Mr Ingleby only hopes that she doesn't drop him.
Best quote: "Is that...someone?"
Olive
Olive runs Attachments Dating Agency in Royston Vasey. Although polite and seemingly kind on the outside, Olive's stable position with her boyfriend (who she didn't meet through an agency) seems to cause her to forget other people's vulnerability when it comes to relationships, and she is constantly reminding them that they can't get girlfriends. However, she is rather unpleasantly reminded of the lack of love in some people's lives when Iain Cashmore, an applicant, asks her if there's any chance...but no. It's incidents like this that make her boyfriend uncomfortable about her working there.
Best quote="Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind or not at all kind to animals?"
Back home
We are not making any profit, and are giving the guys free advertising as well, so don't sue us please!
OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER: "The League of Gentlemen are very enthusiastic about all the websites and the fans who run them."