Tubbs/Maurice/Pauline/Barbara/Mike/Ally/Harvey/Herr Lipp/Iain Cashmore/Charlie/Dave/Farmer Tinsell/Reenie/Mr Best/Bob Chagal/Ava de Courcey/Pop/Jed Hunter/Dr Westley/Mr Foot
Tubbs Tattsyrup
Tubbs is that ever-so-enthusiastic co-owner of the Local Shop. Her obsession with precious and local things can be seen at many intervals throughout the show, and her fear of strangers is prominent at first. However, as time goes on, and the innocent Tubbs becomes more aware of other places that aren't local, she becomes fascinated and drawn to them, despite husband/brother Edward's attempts to keep her "clean and pure and local". She wants to "go". Go where? "Plymouth", amongst other places. But Edward fears for her safety and does his best to restrain her ultimate travelling desires. This is a shame, as Tubbs is seemingly unable to be gratified in other ways. She can't have chilren, because her insides are all wrong, yet her son David (now local) seems to disprove this theory somewhat. Tubbs' love for David and for Edward ("what is...love?") is always observable, and they remain a happy couple for eternity. Even if they do have to spend it in Swansea.
Best quote: "That will be...seven and...twelfty pounds."
Maurice Evans
As one of Royston Vasey's leading magistrates, Maurice has a reputation to uphold. This is why he is, at first, reluctant to try Hilary Briss's special stuff. However, Hilary is a business man, and his cunning and clever ploys to encourage Maurice to consume his product end up successful. Incredibly successful. The thing with Maurice is, he knows it's wrong, but it just tastes so good. He, like good friend Samuel, become addicted to the special stuff, so much so that they too fall victim to the ubiquitous nosebleed epidemic spreading around the town. Much to Maurice's horror, he discovers that it is, in fact, his own wife, Eunice, who has caused the distribution of the special stuff, by cutting it and using it in the sandwiches she sells in "The Nibble Box". Disaster.
Best quote: "I'm...hungry"
Pauline Campbell-Jones
Pauline runs the local job-center, or, as she would most probably call it, the dole-scum refuge. Here, she does her best to educate a load of thickos in order that they will be able to, eventually, get a job. Unfortunately, she doesn't have much faith in her job-seekers...in fact, she has none at all: "You can shout out as many jobs as you like, you're never gonna bloody get one, you worthless dole scum!". Though most of her job-seekers put up with her patronising and superior nature, none of them like her, with the possible exception of Mickey, to whom she acts as a cox (cocks!!). But Pauline doesn't seem to mind her lack of respect...after all, she's got pens. yes, pens. The best friends you can ever have. Everything Pauline knows about people, she learnt from pens, and it shows in her treatment of them. In fact, she seems to treat her pens with much more respect than her job-seekers, and she keeps them in a box marked "Pauline's pens". Unfortunately, not even her pens could save her from the wrath of Ross, undercover worker for the social security, who got her fired. But she gets her revenge...with the help of Mickey, a pen, and a large roll of sellotape...
Best quote: "We're gonna play a game I've invented called "shop a scrounger..."
Barbara Dixon
Barbara is Royston Vasey's only taxi driver, and is the owner of Bab's Cabs. She has thought about extending her trade and taking it abroad, but she's not supposed to fly after the operation. There's a danger of the bust imposing. You see, Barbara was once Bob. Now, a mixture of the successful op (performed beautifully by Dr Chinnery) and hormones have engendered her change into a not-quite-perfect woman. Not that any of the Royston Vaseyites seem to mind-Barbara is a good listener, and any traveller in her taxi is always welcome to offload their problems onto her. But, if you are considering this, just be careful that it's not her time of the month. She can become quite moody if this is the case. Her quest for romance is always observable throughout the series, and has brought her into contact with various people from Mr Ingleby (from when she still worked in Spent), to an embarrassing incident with Benjamin Denton. But we don't talk about that.
Best quote: "I woke up this morning and me bed's like a butcher's slab."
Mike Harris
Mike Harris is employed by Royston Vasey Plastics, and is a well-respected businessman in the town. Married to Cheryl, he is happy in his life. He is the boss of best friend Geoff, which sometimes causes friction between them, but nothing major. The major friction was caused by the fact that in the past, Mike was screwing Geoff's girlfriend Katie (who then ran away with other member of the group, Brian Morgan). Although Mike doesn't see it, it is obvious that Geoff constantly feels in competition with him. However, Mike is constantly superior. He can tell jokes and make other people laugh, he can draw pictures of trainers using other people's pencils, and he knows the one about the Mau-Mau. Unfortunately, Mike's mother sadly died several years ago.
Best quote: "Well, either way, I think it works."
Ally Welles
Best friends with Henry, Ally is incredibly fond of films and videos. Especially ones with lots of killings, and especially if you see them all. He is not, however, fond of Brad Pitt, and thinks he exhibits too much acting. Ally has quite a repertoire and has seen most films kept in stock by Royson Vasey's Video Vault. He has not yet seen "Seven", or "Richard III". He prefers "Alien" to "Species", and watches Barry Norman. Both he and Henry are incredibly fond of blueys, and watch them on regular occassions.
Best quote: "You devoid, Shakespeare is a language."
Harvey Denton
Harvey Denton lives with his wife Val on Swanmills Estate. He is the proud father of two (girls), and the proud carer of many (toads). His obsession with toads started when people used to mock him because of his apprearance with cries of, "There goes Harvey Toadface", or, "Quick, hide, Toadface Denton is coming". And that was just Val and the children. In order to escape the torment of these thoughtless insults, Harvey found himself drawn to that which he was compared, and developed a healthy interest in pertrachianism, which is a most rewarding passtime. He not only carries a certain amount of obsession for his pet toads, but many behaviourisms are exhibited in order to mimic their way of life. The order and cleanliness of the Denton household is designed as a copy of the harmony which the toads create for themselves. The daily suppage on "the water of life" (or, one's own slash) is also a habit presented by many precedents in the animal kingdom, particularly toads. Harvey welcomes the stay of his nephew Benjamin a little too much, and begins two quests-one to turn him into some kind of pet, and one to stop him from ever conducting himself in the solo symphony. This last act must be prevented on all accounts, as semen is such a persistent stain.
Best quote: "Val, if you would place the glass thusly..."
Herr Lipp
Herr Lipp is a resident of Duisberg (Royston Vasey's twin town), and is a German exchange teacher who's main aim in life is to look after his boys (and the other ones) on their trip to Royston Vasey. He encourages education through games, including Fussball (normally, he tosses for sides) and Blind Man's Puff (normally, he plays the puff). This way, he can play with his boys and help increase his harmony with them. The pleasure which Herr Lipp takes from the boys may be taken to certain extremes, particularly the incident in which he buried housemate Justin due to the absence of love. He did, however, get the chance (thankfully), to inform Justin that he is a queen beforehand. In his spare time in Royston Vasey, Herr Lipp likes to get frigging at Flick Flacks disco, which he finds a real good treat, mm! Alles klar.
Best quote: "You have saved my life Dieter...I will never forgive you". Or, from the live show, "Thank you for the warm entry!"
Iain Cashmore
Iain Cashmore is a single teacher looking for love, and he does this by using Attachments Dating Agency. His likes and dislikes are recorded for the computer in order to find a match. His likes include Dogs arses and Germany, and dislikes include women, which may present a problem (although he is straight). He is fairly kind to animals, but indiscisive over whether or not he is quiet. He usually manages to keep his psychopathic nature fairly well hidden, but sometimes it is impossible to stop a hint of murderous intent coming through in his dealings with the general public.
Best quote: "I didn't force her. I didn't force her."
Charlie Hull
Tom Selleck lookalike Charlie is unhappily married to Stella, and he has one daughter, Julie (so he's told). He is an avid supporter of Royston Vasey FC, and he enjoys dining out, his favourite restaurants including Luigi's and Down't Swiss. Other passtimes include line dancing, which he is extremely fond of, but unfortunately wasn't the solution to his unhappy marriage. Although Stella thinks he resembles the world's oldest vegetable, there is some evidence that their marriage is not, in fact, in trouble. After every argument, the pair manage to resolve their differences in some way or another. Usually, Charlie is helped over his problems by having a hostile attitude towards Julie's boyfriend, Tony. It helps him get by.
Best quote: "You can walk it you bastard."
Dave Parkes
An essential member of Legz Akimbo Theatre Company (with Ollie Plimsoles and Phill Proctor), Dave Parkes is not a proper actor. That's Phill. He does have, however, a very strong resumé, appearing in plays such as Macbeth (in which he played a variety of characters including Duncan, Fleance, Porter, Lady Macduff, Banquo, 3rd murderer and 3rd witch to name but a few), and has, of course, appeared in every single LATC production, although his writing talents were harshly overlooked by company-mate Ollie. His career with LATC has been far from smooth, and the proposed removal of Phill from the group caused some worry for Dave, and he made the decision to leave as well, lon the grounds that he just can't stand Ollie. However, the group have reformed, and have got over their problems to do "No Home For Johnny", a play about homeless. Ness. Most of Dave's characters are all of a type, according to Ollie, but this is in no way due to bad acting.
Best quote: "Ollie, will you stop singing?".
Farmer Jed Tinsell
As the local farmer in Royston Vasey, Jed Tinsell owns a lot of land, much of which he is able to put to good use. The Ten Acre Field is used to store Andrew Ward, Mr Tinsell's dreaded cuckolder. Keeping him disguised as a scarecrow not only hides his existence from the rest of the public, but also proves useful, as Andrew does such a great job keeping the crows off of his crops. With the success of this first kidnapping came the idea for others, and Duffer's Piece and the yard are now both safely guarded by permanent inhabitants. Mr Tinsell's malisciousness does not extend to animals. His little angel is a dog called Whisky (sadly no longer with us). His prize herd of cows are all known by name, including Monica (also, sadly no longer with us). As a place of natural beauty, Farmer Tinsell's farm has often been used as a place of education for the children of Royston Vasey, and special outings and day-trips have been arranged in the past (although some, such as the Denton twins, Chloe and Radclyffe, are more familiar with the terrain).
Best quote: "That tumour puts another 5 pounds on her."
Reenie
Reenie works with Vinnie in Royston Vasey's charity shop (not Cancer, dear, that's three doors down). Sharing her colleague's obsession with bags often gives them a talking point (when they are not too busy telling each other not to be rude, dear, and then informing each other that they're not being rude, dear). Although not in charge of the book, Reenie does have a certain amount of respect for it, as any decent charity shop worker should have. Another healthy respect justifiably held by Reenie is respect for cups of tea, which are continually made for the pair. Although That Merrill doesn't get a look in, dear, she works on Thursdays.
Best quote: "There's a bag here in the bag, dear."
Mr Best
Mr Best works in the Royston Vasey Old People's Home, with employee Les McQueen (formerly of Crème Brulée), in which there are often arses need wiping. However, he and pal Mike King often take time out of their busy schedules to do a spot of gambling, and both enjoy card games, favourites being Slippery Jack and Go Johnny Go Go Go Go. Mr Best likes gambling so much that he used to put bets on Buckaroo and Hungry Hippos when he was younger. He is also interested in James Bond films.
Best quote: "You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc? Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack, Mike."
Bob Chagal
Bob is backing singer and guitarist with veteran rocker band, Crème Brulée, fronted by Tony Cluedo. With the hope of a revival, Bob has started writing songs again, with the help of his bandmate, Patch.
Ava de Courcey
Ava de Courcey is a much respected member of the Royston Vasey community, and belongs most prominently to the upper class. She takes her position so seriously that even her dog, Bentley (sadly no longer with us), was treated like a king, and fed on fois gras and sliced truffle daily. Ava has a strong dislike of vets and open fires.
Best quote: "Oh, Bentley, you brave little soldier."
Pop
Pop owns a newsagents in Royston Vasey, and has two, sorry, one son. Since his success with Ginsters Pasties and Mars Drinks (probably due to his winning formula, DPI=SIN: Determinataion+perspiration+inspiration=success in newsagency), he has decided to extend his business (despite a small setback involving Maverick bars), and now owns P.O.P Estates (Call RV 4444244 if interested-Gary will take a message). This new enterprise enables him to use his skillful sales techniques to flog a great number of shite holes to poor unsuspecting customers. Apart from salesmanship, Pop is also fond of films, his favourites include "Watership Down" and "The Ass-master", both of which he takes joy in watching with his son, his only son, Al.
Best quote: "I wanna hear, from your lip, what happen?"
Jed Hunter
Jed Hunter is the bemused director of Greenwood's Orange Juice Commercial (luckily not starring Pamela Doove). Although open-minded (a second attempt of Pam's disasterous audition would be kewl), he is still amazed at her lack of ability. Never one to be vindictive, he lets Pam have a third try, in the end guessing correctly that she doesn't get much work as an actress. Nevertheless, he remains enthusiastic about the character of "Girl of shop", seemingly enjoying his explanation of her light request to the general public for a bottle of orange juice. He's not expecting movement within it, but even so, poor Pam falls short.
Best quote: "I think perhaps, a bit more diction, coz some of the words were, er...so the actual line is, "excuse me, has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?"
Dr Westley
Dr Westley works in St Mary of Bethlehem Hospital with Edgar Fish. The pair are very fond of films, and one of Dr Westley's favourites in particular is "Evita". Dr Westley's main duty at the hospital is to give his patients second opinions about their diagnoses.
Best quote: "Tell me, have you seen "Evita"?"
Mr Foot
Aptly named because he is always "putting his foot in it", Mr Foot likes to make conversation with people, often, complete strangers. Usually, he not only makes conversation with them, but he makes idiots of them as well, though completely unintentionally, leading to the unfortunate consequence of making an idiot of himself. Though his mistakes are often blatant, Mr Foot never seems to realise, often wondering why people tend to hold him in such contempt. His catch-phrase, "was it something I said?" reflects this unawareness of social situations effectively, as do his actions, including informing a blind man that, if he's lucky, one day, he could be this eye on a stalk, or telling a wheelchair user that last time he saw him, he was only so high...Still, it's amazing he hasn't become blind himself, since he didn't stop fiddling with himself, despite his mother's warning...
Best quote: "How d'you shave?"
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