Ofsted Offbunk
- A play about Truancy, written by me, Ollie Plimsoles

[DAD enters room in tattered pyjamas (poverty? poss. an issue for future play) turns the light on (spotlight?) drawing the audience�s attention to DANNY. ]

DAD: Time to get up.

[ DANNY remains silent-strong but silent]

DAD: Time to get up. Time to go out. Time to do work.

DANNY: Work stinks. You stink. I�m goin down�t park.

[DANNY gets out of bed and leaves the house. IMPORTANT-He must get dressed first. DAD remains blank and crawls into DANNY�s bed-unemployment-nothing to do all day-ISSUE. Change of scenery...To DANNY in park, sitting on a bench (Should it be dedicated to someone?? In joke, my niece Meredith!) (Graffiti-another issue?)

ENTER DANNY�S CONSHUNCE-Good conschunce-I play both bad and good. I am draped in a white sheet to represent inconspicuousness and the fact that I am an unreal entity. Do not say this out loud-audience must work it out for themselves. ]

GOOD CONSCHUNCE: Ooooooh, Dannnyyyyy, naughtyyyy booooooy, you�re not goinnn to schooool.

DANNY: Yep. School stinks. In the park I�m free, free to express my ultimate desires (reference to suppression of teenage personality again.)

CONSCHUNCE: But Dannnnnnyyyy, yooooou neeeeed goooooooood grades to get a gooooood job.

BAD CONSCHUNCE: Nooooo, Dannnnnnyyy, don�t gooo to schooooooool, it�s fun down�t paaaaark.

DANNY: Jobs stink.

(Possibly a musical interlude here portraying the contrast between what DANNY wants to do and what he should do *Poss the song from The Wicker Man, but instead of singing about trees and acorns, sing about teachers and schoolboys. Try not to interrupt this time)

[CONSCHUNCE(S) fade into the background (trapdoor? Have a word with stage manager beforehand) Change of scenery to DANNY�s classroom. His TEACHER is calling the register.]

TEACHER: Mandy, Donny, Godber, Russell, Cartwright, Danny...where is Danny?

[Spotlight on DANNY�S empty desk, to emphasise absence]

TEACHER: Danny stinks (under breath)

[He leaves the children to go to DANNY�S house. IMPORTANT consideration-where do we get the extras to play the pupils? Try Linda�s school, that old bitch, I hate her, there�s a good range of kids there, it�s not just an excuse to go and see her, I promise I�ll ignore her if I see her, but if I see Big Jacks I�ll kill her (see plan).

TEACHER knocks on DANNY�S door. DANNY has returned home in deep contemplation-how to portray this to the audience? DANNY opens the door.]

DANNY-What do you want?

TEACHER: Why aren�t you in school?

DANNY: School stinks. Just a bunch of old folk telling you what to do, just like at home. Might as well stay here. Might as well die here. Alone.

[RE-ENTER CONSCHUNCES-Have a spare sheet ready in case they get dirty]

GOOD CONSCHUNCE: Dannnnnnnyyy, listen to whaat your teacher is sayyyyyying, gooooo to schooooooool, where Linda is.

[TEACHER stands in freeze frame to represent the fact that he can�t hear conshunce.]

DANNY: What can school offer me, school stinks.

BAD CONSCHUNCE: Yeah, schooool won�t get yoooooouuuu annyyywhere. Join the draaama soc.

GOOD CONSCHUNCE: Noooooo Dannnnny, you may think you haaaaate schooool but there�s loads of reasons to gooooo.

DANNY: Like what?

GOOD CONSHUNCE: Like your friends. There�s loads of good people there, like Linda.

(Note to self: Can�t think of any other positive points about schools, is this convincing enough?)

DANNY: You�re right, I�ve got no friends here, me mam�s dead, goldfish is starving, the front door won�t close, unemployment�s rife in me life, and someone�s just shat in me hedge. I�m intelligent, I�m clever, I should get good grades at school.

[DANNY runs out of the door, past teacher, back to school. CONSCHUNCES fade away, rise up to the ceiling to represent success. Ask stage manager about pulley mechanism. TEACHER is left on stage alone. Irony in a moralistic, authoritative figure preaching about the moral of the story to kids!!)

TEACHER: Well kids, the moral of the story is that school can be beneficial. If you go to school you won�t end up unemployed like your parents (this may be offensive).

The end of the play which I wrote, directed, produced and starred in (and technical supervisor) and I own all the rights hahahahahahahahahahaha look at how successful I am Linda you thought it would amount to nothing, you thought we�d be hopeless with out you, but I can do all my own admin now, look, I know how to work the computer, but it�s still lonely at night, I miss you.